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“A soufflé isn’t the soufflé, a soufflé is the recipe.” – Clara Oswald, Dr. Who

A few weeks back I was going over my Easter menu and as I mentioned the possibility of a soufflé a good friend immediately asked, “well isn’t that hard”?  Well sure, but isn’t it worth it?

Look, we have all been there.  Box of Betty Crocker in our hands- just add eggs- good enough, done, satisfied.  Everything gets thrown in a bowl with little thought and we get what we thought we needed.  But is this how we should lead our lives?  Nurture our marriages?  Everything thrown around, going through the motions…or could we take it a little bit more like a soufflé.  Nurture each step.

Soufflé, why is a soufflé hard?  Really it’s a matter of precision, patience, and trust.  You’re never going to just throw an egg at it. You need to slowly separate the eggs.  Sometimes, you may not even need an equal amount of yolks and whites and you need to truly think the process through.  The pans must be prepped and your starting base of a meringue must be whipped to perfection or you have been set to fail.  There will be multiple bowls scattered through your kitchen.  Wet ingredients, dry ingredients, hot and cold.  Double boilers steaming away and items that you just may have to let cool.  Eventually, it will all be ready to come together, but still, you cannot just throw it all in one big bowl.  You need to fold each piece together slowly.  Think about it.  Nurture it and then carefully put it into the oven where you need to trust that your environment will be still enough to allow for that perfect “puff.”  Here we are all tempted to peak, but we can’t- we need to trust that if we did the steps right we will get what we need.

Marriage-why is a marriage hard?  Well, really it is a matter of precision, patience, and trust.  You can never just slap a kiss good morning and good night on someone and expect them to truly feel loved.  You need to nurture them.  Remind them and yourself of why you want those kisses.  Each day brings our own individual joys and struggles that will come together as soon as we are with our spouse again.  We need to take care to not allow our own items to drown out those of our spouse.  To hear them and allow them to hear us.  To share frustrations and yet do no harm.  We need to work to find our balance, and if our circumstances or environments change, we need to work to keep finding that balance. Sometimes we won’t know if we are on the right path, but we need to trust that we will know when things are just right and savor that.

Take some time, think about it.  What is your recipe?  Find that perfect balance of give and take.  An instant fix recipe won’t create the perfect soufflé, how could it create the perfect marriage?
– Laurelle Farrell

This blog post was shared with permission from a bride who’s wedding I officiated a number of years ago.
Laurelle is the owner of AR Images and co-owner of Timeless Bridal Creations

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Sure, we could go back to Emily Post and see what she says about this sticky subject.  There’re whole websites dedicated to wedding etiquette. We’d find all the traditional “Do this”,  “Do that”, “Remember if you invite Aunt June then you better be sure to invite her 5 kids and their families”.  Before you know it, your list is out of control!

Those guidelines change with each situation, so how do you handle those difficult situations that would never have been thought of in Emily’s era?

Remember that this is YOUR special day and you should be surrounded by the people who have a special place in your life.  It doesn’t matter if both sides of the aisle aren’t matched in size. In fact several of the recent weddings I officiated didn’t even have a groom’s side and bride’s side.  The more important question is, “When you’re reminiscing on your 10th anniversary, who will you remember being there?”

Brainstorm

First brainstorm everyone you could possibly invite.  Include the “shoulds”, and ask others if you’ve missed anyone.  Thinking of one person often reminds you of others who you might not have thought of.

Ask Some Questions

• When you are in the town where the invitee lives, do you call them or plan to see them?  If not, they probably won’t be insulted if you don’t invite them.
• Are they friends?  Or acquaintances? Are they friends of friends who you only see when you see your friend?
• How do you respond when you see their name on caller ID?  That response could be your answer.
• For co-workers, ask yourself “If this company folded tomorrow, would I still connect with them?”  If not, here’s another way to whittle the list.
• Should you invite your parents’ friends?  If they are friends you don’t know, or barely remember, but still important to your parents that they share their joy with them, then your parents could offset the cost.
• “Plus One”s can drive the number of guests and the cost of your wedding sky-high.  If you don’t know the person’s significant other, or haven’t heard much about him or her, don’t feel obligated to extend an invitation.  Let your guest ask about bringing someone.
• If you have folks on the fence, think about your relationship 5 years from no.  If you think you’ll look at your wedding pictures and say “who’s that?”, chances are you can omit inviting them.

Like any set of rules, there are always exceptions, so use your best judgment. Finally, you need to be prepared for that incredibly painful moment when someone says, “Congratulations! Am I invited?” Here’s a wonderful opportunity to deploy a phrase that you’ll use countless times after you have said your vows: “Let me check with my spouse/partner and get back to you.”

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Wedding ceremonies often include a “reading”.  Sometimes it is a reading from the sacred text of the bride’s or groom’s faith tradition; sometimes a favorite love poem.

Readings that speak to the couple can set the tone of the ceremony.  Whether read by the Officiant, a family member or friend, the very best readings are those that speak to the couple, that resonates with their unique story and personalities.  Your officiant likely has a list of some readings you can choose from.

A couple who I’ll be marrying this weekend asked if they could use song lyrics for the reading since they don’t have someone to sing it.  SURE! As long as they don’t want my to sing it, I’m good with that.

Some things to think about if this is what you want in your ceremony.

Our Song

Almost all couples have a song that has become “our song” – the one that has special meaning for them, that reminds them of a particular moment in the journey together, that connects them intimately.  Maybe it was the song playing when they met, or their first dance, or there’s a message in the lyrics that has a special shared joke that makes them smile.  Whatever that reason might be, a couple might want the song to have an important part in the ceremony.  Sometimes though, playing a full song might not be practical.  An expressive reading of the lyrics with attention to the couple’s favorite line could be just as special.

Do The Lyrics Work On Their Own?

Some lyrics are like a poem to being with and work very well without accompaniment.  Others lose some of their meaning without the instruments playing.  Try reading the lyrics aloud to each other to hear if, without the music, they still reflect the meaning that makes it your song.  If you find yourself tripping on the words, or thinking they sound a little off, then maybe it’s not a great choice.

Who Will Read Your Song?

Choosing who will read your lyrics is critical.  If you have a public speaker in your family or friends, this can be a perfect way to include them.  Have the person you choose read it to you as a “dress rehearsal”.  It is important that the reader has a loud and strong voice so that all of your guests will hear.   Listen to see if they are adding emotion and cadence.  Few things are more painful for your guests that a long reading in a whispered monotone.  Consider the style of the words and the mood of the ceremony, and choose someone whose personality fits the reading.

This is Your Day! 

So if the lyrics alone just don’t work, and that song is truly important to your ceremony, then go for it!  What matters most in the end is that this day is everything you dream of!  I’ve yet to see a guest get up and leave when they’ve lost attention.  J  Have your celebrant give an introduction of some sort about what the song means to you, and share any words that might not be clear in the song.  He or she could also point out a theme for folks to listen for.  .

Dare to be Creative and Have Fun!

As a wedding officiant, I welcome the unique, the fun, the pieces that will stand out 10, 15, 20 years from now when your guests are remembering your wedding day and have something that still makes them smile!  Great lyrics can be powerful, passionate and even fun in the hands of the right speaker.  Heck – how about “the ants go marching two by two” with new lyrics!  Imagine the laughter and memories you’ll create!

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It wasn’t like I imagined it would be, with the dress lady all doting over the bride to be, while mom sat in a luxurious chair sipping wine and eating chocolate covered strawberries.  I guess the TV shows aren’t really reality.  It was a small shop, and I did have a comfy spot to sit in just opposite the fitting room where Katie swoosh the curtain wide while I kept my eyes closed until just the right moment.

My heart was beating so fast!  Memories of my little girl growing up all too quickly sped through my mind as I wondered what it would be like to see her gowned in beauty!  I could hear my daughters whispering.  I guess they were talking about “Mom’s gonna cry!”.  I hope I didn’t disappoint them, but I was determined not to let tears get in the way.  And there she was!  Beautiful!

I’ve heard from friends that knew it was the right dress without any doubt, so when I fell in love with that first one Charlotte tried on, I wondered.  I love it, but where’s this “no doubt” feeling I’m supposed to feel?  After trying on a handful of others, Charlotte told me to go have a look.  I chose a few that she had quickly passed by.

And then Katie swooshed the curtain aside, and I saw my girl’s face in all it’s beauty and joy!  That smile spoke more than any words ever could.  My heart skipped a beat when Charlotte said in a shaky voice, “I think I found it.”

What a moment!  Just like childbirth itself, I don’t think there are any words at all to describe the moment you see your baby girl so grown up and beautiful.  You can only know it when you experience it.  And now Katie and Charlotte, my tears are flowing.  Sunday afternoon in a little ole shop in the center of Northboro – when my girl said “Yes!’ to the dress!

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Knowing the purpose of a rehearsal is the first step to deciding.  Do you and your participants know…

• Who has some part to do?
• What is that part?
• Where do they do it?
• When do they do it?
• How do they do it?

Who goes first – the flower girl or the ring bearer?  How do I know when I start walking down the aisle?  How can we make sure no one sees me until I do?  Where will my partner be?

Everyone, from the bride and groom down to the flower girl and even the door opener, needs to know what is expected of them, where they are expected to go to do it, and how they get their cue to start doing it.  It’s like rehearsing for a play – you might know all your words, but making sure the show comes out as a whole story takes practice.

Usually, it’s the officiant who directs the rehearsal, although sometimes the event coordinator (if he or she has talked to the officiant) can do it.  Your officiant has probably done this many times and has discovered what works and what doesn’t, what’s important to know ahead of time, and knows some “tricks of the trade.”  Much like rehearsing a play, the wedding rehearsal ensures that everything we have planned will work in the actual ceremony space.  There have been times where the shape of the space or the final arrangement of people has needed to be adjusted a bit in a way we never could plan for on paper.

What Factors Do I Need To Consider?

Your Wedding Party

How many are there?  The more you have in your wedding party, the more you should consider a rehearsal.  If it is just you two and a maid of honor and best man, then you probably don’t need a full rehearsal.  10 or 15 minutes of time before the ceremony is enough to go over the details.  However, if you have several groomsmen and bridesmaids, ring bearers or flower girls, it becomes more and more of a good idea.  Will parents or grandparents be processing?  Good to have a rehearsal.

Here’s a good rule of thumb:

Under 5 people – unless you really want one, it’s not needed.

Between 5 and 10 – it might be a good idea to rehearse (depending on other factors).

Between 10 and 15 – I definitely advise a rehearsal

Any more than that and you run the risk of a lot of chaos at your wedding!

Your Procession

The more complex your entrance and exit will be, the more you will need to practice them.  For example, if a groomsman will be seating people, escorting a parent, and then walking in with a bridesmaid, it’s going to be a whole lot easier and less stressful after rehearsing it a couple of times.

Experience Of Your Wedding Party

If your wedding party is mostly adults (not more than one or two children), and they’ve all been involved in a wedding before, then you might not need a rehearsal.  If you have children participating, even younger teens, it’s often helpful for them not only to practice but to meet and get to know the officiant.  Then he or she won’t be a scary stranger they have to walk to.  I’ve had children who wanted nothing to do with rehearsing until I got down on the floor and played with them.  Then they felt comfortable with me asking them to do something.

Where Are You Being Married?

Some places are laid out so that performing a ceremony is straightforward. Other locations, particularly ones not intentionally designed for this type of ceremony, may have a shape, size or obstacle that presents a challenge. The best way to be sure your ceremony doesn’t have unexpected glitches is to hold a rehearsal and make any changes as needed well in advance.

This is your ceremony and in the end, it is your choice.  If you’re not sure, let’s talk about it! A few carefree couples are happy to go with the flow – even if that flow has some stumbling blocks,but if you want to be sure everybody knows what to do and when…  Let’s rehearse!

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