GRIEVING AND THE HOLIDAYS

Lee Atherton — Mon, 23 Nov 2020 20:14:28 +0000

Holidays, whether religious or secular, are especially painful for those who are grieving. The death of someone you love can make this “most wonderful time of the year” anything but joyful and bright.

Grieving During the Holidays

Grieving this last year in the midst of Covid-19 has left many feeling more isolated and lonely than ever. Our nation is at unrest. If you are also in the midst of grief, this time of year is downright painful. And the very nature of the holidays (for example, giving thanks at Thanksgiving) seems impossible for the grieving person to embrace. There’s the empty chair, the missing laugh, and the gifts that aren’t given or received.

As Thanksgiving is drawing near, I am mindful of past holidays and I feel pangs of grief for family and friends who won’t join our celebrations. I’ve found it helpful to share stories of holidays past. Reminiscing about the year Dad kept sneaking holiday cookies when he thought no one was watching, or the joy and excitement Mum had when we opened her gifts that were wrapped so long ago she wasn’t sure what they were.

How to Celebrate the Holidays while Grieving

There is no “right way” to celebrate a holiday after the death of a loved one. As you plan your holiday gatherings or festivities, think about those things that will be most challenging and try to plan ahead for them. What are the things that will most trigger my sadness? How will I respond when I want to cry? What can I do to be ready? Most importantly, don’t add the words “I ought to” or “I should” to your plans. Be gentle with yourself. It is ok to say “no” and say it often. You may wish to change some of your family traditions this year and return to those that are most meaningful next year or the year after. You might consider changing meal times, or what foods to have, or even decorating differently – or maybe not.

Consider memorializing your loved one’s life with a new holiday tradition. I have found such new traditions helpful in starting difficult conversations and bringing closure. Choose something that was important to and would have meaning for your loved o. “I purchased a gift for my husband and then donated it to charity,” and “We displayed a single rose on the fireplace mantle throughout the holiday” are two examples from families I’ve worked with.

Tips to Help

Keep these things in mind as the holidays near:

A grieving body is under a lot of physical stress and becomes more susceptible to illness and fatigue.
It’s ok to feel sad. Don’t be surprised. It’s ok to feel good too. Give yourself permission to laugh or cry.
Let family and friends know what you can handle and not handle. Choose people to be around who you feel comfortable with, someone you can be yourself with.
Don’t do more than you want, and don’t do anything that does not serve your soul and your loss.
Do allow time for feelings. Don’t keep feelings bottled up. If you have 500 tears to cry don’t stop at 250.

As the season comes upon us, I want you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. Feel free to reach out if I can be a support for you or your family.

Enjoy? Share with your friends

The post GRIEVING AND THE HOLIDAYS appeared first on CoachRev.

GRAM’S BUSH – A YOUNG CHILD’S EXPERIENCE OF DEATH

Lee Atherton — Mon, 19 Oct 2020 21:25:37 +0000

I attended the funeral of a beloved Grandmother. One of her grandchildren, James, who is 6 years old, spent that last week of life with Gram. What an amazing gift they both received before her death!

Children and Experience of Death

We often try to avoid conversations about death and dying even though death happens just as often as the births we celebrate!

The best advice I have ever received was from Pastor Richard. He said, “Introduce your children to death early on, and it becomes just as natural as birth for them.” In August 1993, my mom received a terminal cancer diagnosis. His advice couldn’t have been more timely.

My children were only four, three, and two-year-old at the time. I brought them to the visiting hours held for a church member. They knew the person, but he wasn’t someone close to them. My oldest asked a few questions which I answered honestly and with age-appropriate detail. Afterward, I spoke with my children about their much-loved Gram who lived with us and who had recently received a terminal diagnosis.

We went to another wake and a funeral over the next year of people they knew. Each time they became more comfortable, not only with what they were seeing but also with how to behave and to respond.

My children also spent a lot of time with their Aunt Patty. She lived near a cemetery where they often went for afternoon walks together. She, too, spoke openly about where they were and what they were seeing.

A year later, when James was five, he asked if Gram would be buried in the cemetery. When we told him “no” and that Gram would be cremated, he was afraid we would forget her! After all, he had been told that headstones help us remember who is at the cemetery. It was then we decided it would be nice to plant a bush in our front yard in Gram’s memory when the time came.

Gram’s Death

Just two months later Gram died during the night. When I woke James up and told him, the first thing he said was, “Can we get Gram’s bush today?!”

It’s been almost 30 years since that special day. My children have told me how much they appreciate the ways I made death feel “normal” and “okay” for them. They still feel the same amount of grief as their friends do when someone special dies, but they aren’t afraid. They are comfortable in death’s midst.

The bush still lives at “home” where Gram and Pepere’s ashes are scattered. Each of her children has a shoot from that original American Cherry bush. The little stone boy statue we purchased for James, along with our bush, sits in my own front yard now, under the highlight of my garden, “Gram’s Bush.”