Like many emotions, we tend not to talk about grief.
When we try to deny this experience-that-must-not-be-named (yes, I just borrowed a Harry Potter reference!), our silence gives rise to confusion and misconceptions about what grief really is.
Often, we feel pressure to follow certain “rules” about grieving — rules meant to make others more comfortable, but that actually hinder our own journey. Each of us is unique in how we experience and process life’s events, and grief is no different. Misconceptions can deny you the freedom to be yourself and to authentically express your grief.
This month, we’ll gently explore a few of the most common misconceptions.
🌊 Misconception #1: “You Need to Just Get Over It.”
This is probably the misconception I get most frustrated with. Perhaps Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt said it best when he wrote:
“To think that as human beings you ‘get over’ your grief is ludicrous! You don’t ‘get over’ it — you learn to live with it. You learn to integrate it into your life and into the fabric of your being.”
Grief isn’t like a headache that goes away with a couple of tablets and some sleep. It’s not like a broken bone that knits itself back together after a few weeks in a cast.
There is no clear endpoint for grief. It ebbs and flows over time, and while it may become easier to live with, it does not simply disappear. As C. A. Corr observed, grief “may be more like learning to manage a permanent loss of a limb than allowing a wound to heal.”
🌱 Misconception #2: “Everyone Grieves the Same Way.”
This myth suggests that we all move through the same stages of grief in the same orderly progression. But nothing could be further from the truth.
Grief is messier and far more complicated. Many grief coaches say that grief is as unique as a fingerprint. While you may experience feelings such as anger, denial, depression, bargaining, or acceptance, you may move through them in different orders, revisit some repeatedly, or linger in one longer than another.
No one gets to tell you that you’re “grieving wrong” simply because your grief looks different from theirs.
🤍 Misconception #3: “Tears Are a Sign of Weakness.”
Tears are not a sign of weakness. They are a sign that you have loved someone deeply.
Your tears may make others uncomfortable because they don’t know how to fix your pain. But that discomfort should never silence your need to cry. Science shows that crying can actually help people feel better emotionally and physically. Tears are a sign that you are doing the work of mourning.
🕯 Misconception #4: “Don’t Talk About the Person Who Died.”
People often avoid mentioning the deceased because they’re afraid of making you sad. But many grievers feel the opposite.
My friend Vickie, whose sixteen-year-old daughter died, put it this way:
“Stop pretending she didn’t exist! Laugh with me. Cry with me. Say her name out loud like she meant something. Please…”
Share your memories. Tell the stories you love. Talk about what your loved one might be saying or doing right now. Speaking their name keeps their presence alive and honors the love that remains.
🌿 Misconception #5: “Those Who Are Grieving Are Best Left Alone.”
Grievers need opportunities to share their stories, their pain, and their memories — and to receive support.
Sharing your grief with others won’t make it disappear, but over time, it can make it more bearable. Reaching out connects you to others and helps strengthen the bonds of love that make life feel possible again.
Wishing you peace,
Lee
