Picking up the pieces of what once was a comfortable and familiar life is far from easy. Overcoming the pain of loss takes time.
In the first few months after the death of a loved one, the body often seems to shut down many activities that once felt routine. Emotionally, the mind may withdraw from the outside world. Though this can be unsettling — and sometimes misunderstood by others — it is a normal response to loss.
When we are injured physically, we do not question the need for rest. Recuperation is simply understood as part of healing. Surgical scars often fade with time and eventually move into the background of our lives.
An emotional injury can be just as painful.
The scars of the heart, however, are not always visible — and they rarely fade away completely.
The Role of Introspection in Grief
Introspection is the ability to look inward — to reflect, to turn experiences around in the mind, and to begin putting them into some kind of order so that meaning can slowly emerge.
It is only after a great deal of introspection that we begin to truly live with our grief.
This is not an easy journey, as we have explored in previous issues of Stepping Stones. How we allow our attitudes to shape our perspective makes the difference between seeing life clearly or seeing it as gray, dismal, and distorted by pain.
The following reflection was written by Susan Sellgren, an experienced hospice nurse. It reflects both her professional insight and her personal experience with loss.
Releasing and Letting Go
by Susan Sellgren
It is often said that time heals all wounds, as if time alone is responsible for healing. For some losses — a first disappointment or the death of a childhood pet — the passage of time may be enough.
However, time alone is not sufficient for healing the grief that follows the death of a loved one.
The ability to release and let go is often the final step in recovery through the grief process. This “grief work” requires long periods of painful self-examination, including reflection on the relationship with the deceased and on present relationships.
There are no easy shortcuts through bereavement.
Often, unresolved issues resurface — anger, anxiety, guilt, shame, indifference, relief — along with profound changes in self-identity. These experiences are part of the work of grieving.
Letting Go as a Daily Choice
Releasing and letting go is not a single decision, but a day-by-day choice made throughout bereavement.
One may choose to remain angry, bitter, or despondent — or one may choose to grow, learn, and adapt to the inevitable changes that follow loss.
At this stage of my life, it is interesting to be writing about letting go. My work as a hospice nurse has taught me that relationships with the families I serve are transient, yet deeply meaningful.
I mourn the losses of clients, reflect on how I might have served them better, and consider how I could have been more sensitive to unspoken needs. At the same time, I am mourning the impending loss of my father to terminal cancer.
Living with death and dying in both my professional and personal life has made me more empathetic and humble in the presence of grief. There are no pat answers.
To release and let go, for me, means being willing to learn from past mistakes, to love the memory of the deceased, and to adapt to who I am now.
I believe these three things are essential ingredients for meaningful bereavement.
Continuing to wish you much peace,
Lee
