In the last issue of Stepping Stones, we looked at some basic truths about the emotions of grief. In this issue, we want to explore a few of those common emotions in more detail.
Before doing so, however, be reminded that your grief is your own — no one else’s. It may feel different for you now than if someone close to you died in years past. Grief is never the same twice. Your friends can’t feel your loss in the same way that you can, either. Their life won’t be affected the same way yours will be. Your grief is unique.
Having said that, it might help you to understand some of the most common emotions you may experience.
What follows is not a checklist, but a way of naming some common emotional experiences that many grievers recognize.
Shock
You may feel dazed and stunned, especially during the time immediately following the death. This is nature’s way of temporarily protecting you psychologically until you are more able to tolerate what you don’t want to believe.
Anxiety
As your head and heart begin to miss the person who died, you may naturally feel anxious. You may ask yourself, “Am I going to be okay? Will I survive this? Will my life have any purpose without this person?” You may feel vulnerable, even unable to survive, without the person who died.
Anger
Anger and its cousins — hate, blame, resentment, rage, and jealousy — are normal responses to the death of someone loved. With loss comes the desire to protest. You have two avenues for expression — outward or inward. Expressing anger outward in safe, healthy ways can lead to healing; turning it inward often does not. In fact, keeping your explosive emotions inside can lead to low self-esteem, depression, guilt, and physical complaints. Critical to healing is finding someone who doesn’t judge you but allows you to feel whatever you feel.
Guilt
When someone you care about dies, it’s natural to have a case of the “if only’s.” While these feelings of guilt or regret are natural, they sometimes aren’t logical to those around you. Remember — thinking is logical; feelings are not.
Sadness
Sadness may be the most hurtful feeling on your journey toward wholeness. We don’t want to be sad. Sadness saps pleasure from our lives. Sadness makes us feel crummy. Dr. Alan Wofelt writes, “I suggest you say out loud right now, ‘I have every right to feel sad!”
Naming the feelings and acknowledging them are the first steps to dealing with them! Naming these emotions is not about fixing them — it’s about allowing them to be part of the journey.
Wishing you peace and calm as you journey,
Lee
