end of life coaching Archives - CoachRev

It’s All Right to Cry…

Lee Atherton — Mon, 13 Feb 2023 14:00:08 +0000

“It might even make you feel better!” Marlo Thomas sang these words to me when I was just 8 years old, and they still speak to me today. Winter holidays can be the hardest to get through. Remember that it is not a sign of weakness to shed tears, especially at this time of year.

It is Monday as I write this – 5 days before Christmas, 2021. And I’m feeling heavy and worn down. My mom died almost 30 years ago. She was the dynamism behind what, for me, were the best Christmases of my life! Mum did her shopping and wrapping so early that she was as excited as we were to see what presents were under the tree. She put so much care and thought into every gift she purchased and couldn’t wait to see our reactions as we unwrapped treasures we didn’t even know we wanted!

I miss her terribly when I remember the good times, the laughter, the moments I saw her joy and love. I wish I could hear her laugh again. I wish I could have just one more stocking hung by the fire that she would pack full of goodies.

As I often say when I officiate a funeral service, we humans have an amazing gift – the gift of memories. I treasure these memories of my mom.

My wish for you is that in the midst of the sadness you feel this season, you also find moments of peace, times when you can smile as you remember your favorite memories. Remember, It’s all right to cry.

You can listen to this song here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8bdTXt2mW4

If you would like to read more about grief and the holidays, click here for “Seasons of Grieving: A Guide to Grief at the Holidays”

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Living Your Dying

Lee Atherton — Mon, 06 Feb 2023 14:00:26 +0000

A conversation with your coach can help you prepare for life’s closing chapter.

“Baby boomers have changed the face of the U.S. population for more than 70 years and continue to do so as more enter their senior years, a demographic shift often referred to as a “gray tsunami.” (census.gov)

Data and research point to a “tsunami of humans nearing end of life” within the next two decades. In a world where our health care workers are increasingly burned out and leaving their jobs, the strain that this tsunami will put on health care resources is tremendous. Retirement communities and long-term care facilities already have waiting lists. The rising costs of healthcare are stripping what many retirees have tucked away for their “golden years.” As numbers of the “gray tsunami” rise, the quality of life as they near death decreases and gets more and more expensive.

Seventy-five percent of all money spent on health care occurs in the last three months of life while the quality of life is the worst we ever seen. Ninety-five percent of people say they prefer to die at home while 75% of people end up dying in hospitals or nursing homes.

When people talk about what is happening in our end-of-life culture today, we hear things like, “I don’t want to die that way. I want control of how I die. I want a loving and natural death. I’ll choose my own way out before I die like that.”

It is more important than ever to plan for life’s final chapter. Waiting too long means that we’ll be making critical decisions and choices when we’re more stressed, under pressure to decide in a moment of crisis. Or our ability to weigh the pros and cons and consider how our life-long values inform our choices has declined as we’ve aged.

Too often we leave our loved ones scrambling to make life and death decisions on our behalf. Siblings who once got along and enjoyed each other’s company find themselves not only at odds with each other, but often finding themselves in unreconcilable disagreements and broken relationships.

It is never too early to think about what we want our final months and days to be.

What are your spiritual wishes? What do you want your children to know? Do you want to be kept alive by all means possible? Or do you want to die in the comfort of your own home surrounded by the people and things most important to you? What do you imagine your funeral or life celebration to be like? Do you have a favorite song, or poem, or story you want shared?

Reach out to CoachRev Lee for guidance as you begin thinking about your Five Wishes, and having a conversation with your family about what you want as your life draws to a close.

Wish 1: The Person I Want to Make Care Decisions for Me When I Can’t. …
Wish 2: The Kind of Medical Treatment I Want or Don’t Want. …
Wish 3: How Comfortable I Want to Be. …
Wish 4: How I Want People to Treat Me. …
Wish 5: What I Want My Loved Ones to Know.

Email Lee @ Lee@CoachRev.com to find out when the next free workshop is scheduled.

And in the meantime – Live Today Like It Matters!!

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Why Choose An End-Of-Life Coach?

Lee Atherton — Mon, 02 Jan 2023 15:00:50 +0000

Both an end of life coach and a psychologist (or other mental health practitioner) focus on promoting healthy behavior. Their goal is to improve their client’s quality of life. They are going to be the anchor of their client’s emotional journey.

Here is why you should choose an end-of-life coach. The key difference between the two is this. End of life coaching is the process of being with people who are dying or people who are mourning the loss of a loved one. The end-of-life coach affirms that what you are going through, that what you are experiencing on your unique journey is normal. You are assured that death and grief are an age-old normal and natural part of life.

On the other hand, a psychologist focuses on psychotherapy to treat diagnosed emotional and mental suffering in clients. This can and does include suffering from a terminal illness, coping with a loved one suffering from a terminal illness, or the death of a loved one. But a psychologist also deals with other life and mental health issues. They don’t get personal. They don’t see the raw picture. They have to be professionally objective to succeed. Your end-of-life coach will walk alongside you giving voice to your feelings, emotions, and experience.

Your coach will bear witness to a unique time of life that almost no one else does. In a safe, accepting, judgment free space you will be able to talk about whatever is on your mind, knowing that everything you share is completely confidential. There is no clinical diagnosis reported to your insurance company that far too often becomes a burden of negativity.

A psychologist comes from the perspective that you are broken and need fixing.

An end-of-life coach sees you as well and whole. You are simply a person who could be supported and guided by a partner to walk the journey with you.
Some of the topics you might explore with your coach include:

Have I lived my life well?
What do I still want to accomplish in the time that is left?
How do I want people to remember me?
What relationships do I want to mend before I die?
Who do I want to see one last time?
What do I want my loved ones to know?
Could I choose what I want in my funeral? And how do I let people know?
What have I left unsaid – and is that ok, or do I want to say it now?

You can learn more about CoachRev Lee and her approach by going to her website: www.coachrev.com

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Can I Find Closure?

Lee Atherton — Wed, 08 Jun 2022 21:37:33 +0000

Are you searching for closure? It’s natural to want some resolution after a loved one dies, or you experience a similar loss. Closure means moving through and beyond the pain and suffering of grief and is unique to each person. Just as no two people grieve the same, so no two people find closure.

Grief is a fluid process for which there is no timetable. Closure doesn’t mean that you have forgotten about your loved one, nor that you no longer miss them. It means that you have found a new way of life, a “new normal.” Closure may feel elusive at times, and at other times it seems just within reach.

Practices and Activities to Help Bring Closure

Give yourself time to grieve your loss and notice how your life has changed. Be kind to yourself by giving yourself permission to cry, or shout, or laugh, or even be angry. Expressing yourself helps you to heal.

Write a goodbye letter to your loved one. If you feel comfortable doing so, read it out loud as if he or she were sitting with you.

Sometimes we hold onto anger and resentment for all the “coulda-shoulda-woulda’s.” As challenging as it is, look for ways to leg to.

Learn to Close your eyes and imagine being with them. Feel the air on your skin, listen to the sounds around you, see them at their best. Tell them what is on your mind and in your heart.

Keep a journal. Writing your thoughts and ideas helps to release some of the emotion and pain associated with your loss.

Find ways to keep their memory alive. Begin a new tradition to honor them. Plant a tree in their memory.

Express gratitude. Before you go to bed each night write down three things you are grateful for. It may be hard at first. You may find yourself being grateful simply for making it through the day; your answers may be only one word each. In time it will become easier.

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CELEBRATING LOIS – FUNERALS AND LOLLIPOPS

Lee Atherton — Tue, 10 Nov 2020 21:31:44 +0000

Several years ago when I began working at AseraCare Hospice, I was introduced to an extraordinary woman named Lois. My colleague Judy knew her long before she had dementia and long before I began caring for her. She heard Lois, accompanied by a famous pianist, sing with grace, beauty and intensity. Her joy and passion in life were her music.

Lois and I

Many years had gone by the time Lois came into my life. Her pianist friend had passed away. She had long been sinking into a life where her memory no longer was true to her. She lost her ability to serenade her friends and family. But her love of music was just as strong as ever! I discovered that the best way to connect with Lois was to begin singing. Songs like the “Ole Time Favorites” of her day. “Oh, When the Saints Go Marching In”, “Yankee Doodle”, “Skip to my Lou” were just a few of the songs that would bring a smile to her face and her hands go clapping.

But the song that she responded to the most by far was “On the Good Ship Lollipop”. Until the end, she was able to join in humming her favorite tune, and on a good day, she would even be able to mouth a few of the words.

I was honored to be asked to officiate Lois’s memorial service, and because she brought joy to others in her music and in the way she lived her life, her family asked me to create a celebration of her life. And so I did. Many tears were shed that day, stories were told, laughter was shared. But the very best part as we closed the book of Lois’s life was the closing of her service. We all left the chapel dancing and singing “On The Good Ship Lollipop”! And you guessed it – we even gave out lollipops!!

Just as there is no right way to grieve, so there is no right way to write the final page. Creating a service that truly celebrates and honors your loved one will leave you with special memories to hold for a long time.

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GRAM’S BUSH – A YOUNG CHILD’S EXPERIENCE OF DEATH

Lee Atherton — Mon, 19 Oct 2020 21:25:37 +0000

I attended the funeral of a beloved Grandmother. One of her grandchildren, James, who is 6 years old, spent that last week of life with Gram. What an amazing gift they both received before her death!

Children and Experience of Death

We often try to avoid conversations about death and dying even though death happens just as often as the births we celebrate!

The best advice I have ever received was from Pastor Richard. He said, “Introduce your children to death early on, and it becomes just as natural as birth for them.” In August 1993, my mom received a terminal cancer diagnosis. His advice couldn’t have been more timely.

My children were only four, three, and two-year-old at the time. I brought them to the visiting hours held for a church member. They knew the person, but he wasn’t someone close to them. My oldest asked a few questions which I answered honestly and with age-appropriate detail. Afterward, I spoke with my children about their much-loved Gram who lived with us and who had recently received a terminal diagnosis.

We went to another wake and a funeral over the next year of people they knew. Each time they became more comfortable, not only with what they were seeing but also with how to behave and to respond.

My children also spent a lot of time with their Aunt Patty. She lived near a cemetery where they often went for afternoon walks together. She, too, spoke openly about where they were and what they were seeing.

A year later, when James was five, he asked if Gram would be buried in the cemetery. When we told him “no” and that Gram would be cremated, he was afraid we would forget her! After all, he had been told that headstones help us remember who is at the cemetery. It was then we decided it would be nice to plant a bush in our front yard in Gram’s memory when the time came.

Gram’s Death

Just two months later Gram died during the night. When I woke James up and told him, the first thing he said was, “Can we get Gram’s bush today?!”

It’s been almost 30 years since that special day. My children have told me how much they appreciate the ways I made death feel “normal” and “okay” for them. They still feel the same amount of grief as their friends do when someone special dies, but they aren’t afraid. They are comfortable in death’s midst.

The bush still lives at “home” where Gram and Pepere’s ashes are scattered. Each of her children has a shoot from that original American Cherry bush. The little stone boy statue we purchased for James, along with our bush, sits in my own front yard now, under the highlight of my garden, “Gram’s Bush.”

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